This Day in History

Happy birthday to me, and all the other turkey babies out there.

May you have birthday cake instead of pumpkin pie with candles, birthday presents the day of your birthday instead of combo birthday-Christmas gifts or because someone wanted to get it on sale a few days later.

Oh, and many, many birthdays that don’t fall on Thanksgiving.

My Own LOLCat

I caught Mac drinking out of the toilet the other day. I thought only Trooper did that sort of thing.

The look on Mac’s face kind of says it all, doesn’t it?

I Love Electricity

As with many things, it wasn’t until I didn’t have something that I realized just how essential it was to have it. Case in point, electricity.

On Saturday morning, I had it all planned out — cleaning, organizing, shopping, etc. — so I would get everything I would need to get done to prepare for my family visiting for Thanksgiving. I was in the middle of cleaning when my electricity went out.

My first thought?

“Zombie apocalypse! Get the guns!”

Only a few houses on my street had no power, and it was only out for about 2 hours, so it wasn’t a great loss. I didn’t like it though.

Here are a few things I couldn’t do because I didn’t have electricity:

• Vacuum. Do they make battery powered vacuums?
• Wash the floor. You’d think this is an activity that doesn’t require technology, but I ran out of hot water — no electricity to power the hot water heater.
• Shower or do laundry. See no hot water issue above.
• Charge my cell phone. This was an issue, because the battery was low, and I needed to report the outage to NES. Almost couldn’t let anyone know I didn’t have power.
• Do anything on my computer or the internet. When I realized my cell phone was dying, I thought I could report it through the website. Problem was, I didn’t have internet because my wireless router was dead. My laptop battery was ok, but wouldn’t last long.
• Grocery shopping. Not that I was limited in leaving the house, but I didn’t know how long I would be without power, and didn’t want to risk getting new groceries requiring refrigeration, or cause problems with the things already in my fridge and freezer.

I probably wouldn’t last 15 minutes in a developing country, or after the zombie apocalypse.

Sad, But OK

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Everyone has been just awesome about the situation with Trooper.

My friends and coworkers have all be supportive and understanding — several offered to go with me when it happened, and many have checked in on me during the day. When I saw the LOLCats photo above, I knew exactly what it meant to portray.

My boss, who admitted she didn’t understand the pet thing, let me take a couple days off so I could deal with it all. I am truly thankful that I’ve had time away from work and all that responsibility for a very personal matter.

My vet, Dr. Bolles, and the staff at Murphy Road Animal Hospital have been everything you could want — compassionate, caring, willing to joke about things, and offering hugs. It meant a great deal to me, and made the decision and death process a little easier.

My family most of all, who have put up with my complaints and having to hear about Trooper all the time, and continued to love me and him, offering emotional and even financial support (those vet bills can add up) when I needed it, and even when I didn’t.

Loss is never easy, but having others care and making that care known makes the loss bearable.

In Memoriam

Trooper hanging out on the patio on his 7th birthday

So Trooper is gone.

This picture I took on his birthday back in June is how I want to remember him — happy, a little lazy, and just hanging out, pleased to see me.

He was that kind of dog.

I’m not going to say he was perfect — he wasn’t. He never did get the hang of a couple of basic commands, and he often stepped all over my toes just being a big moose.

Trooper wasn’t perfect, but he was mine, a part of my life that I will never forget, and I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to share my life with him.

I will miss him a great deal.

Last Hours

I’m putting Trooper to sleep this afternoon.

Part of me — an integral aspect of who I am — is about to go missing, never to be recovered, and I feel a great deal of grief for its absence, even before the fact.

Part of me feels peace about it all, because I know (I KNOW) I’m doing the right thing for Trooper (and me) and he won’t have to suffer and be in pain just because I wasn’t compassionate enough to make the decision.

Part of me finds some humor in all this, right down to a bit of happiness in sharing a bag of Trader Joe’s Cheese Puffs (reduced fat, no less!) with Trooper. It made me happy to see him perk up and be excited to eat junk food he normally would never get.

Part of me feels relief that all the stress — emotional, financial — is about to go away. No more interrupted sleep because I had to get up 5 times to clean up accidents or constant laundering of towels and bedding.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling relief and joy in the little things.

So Trooper (aka The Big Black Dog) and I are just going to hang out together, then get in the car and go for one last ride.

And that will be it.

Boy/Girl Party

Believe it or not, I really do know some nifty and cool people. And here is proof. I give you, Boy/Girl Party:

Difficult Decision

I haven’t blogged in a while for several reasons — busy with work things, seemingly no free time, nothing new to say, etc. — but the main reason is that I feel like all I can talk about is Trooper, aka the Big Black Dog, and I’ve been avoiding talking about that because of the situation.

I’ve mentioned before about vet visits and dealing with arthritis. However, these posts don’t tell the whole story.

This post will be the whole story, so this will be long, but I feel like I need to do it.

Trooper is not quite 7 1/2 years old. I got him as a puppy at 8 weeks old, taking him from his mom and brother. Except for the occasional trip out of town, he’s been with me the whole time. He’s put up with multiple moves (5 if I’m counting right), grad school, work, and me and all my inconsistencies. He really has been a trouper about it all.

My first post about his arthritis was after months of suspecting and doing the usual things — glucosamine and other supplements, joint health food, exercise, etc. – and then talking to the vet about it all.

Later posts talked a little about subsequent vet visits and treatments, but I was still light about the daily complications of things.

In essence, Trooper is in bad shape.

We’ve tried drugs, but his liver is apparently uncooperative, with his liver function tests being extremely elevated. That meant we couldn’t try nonsteriod anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs, like ibuprofen), and his pain relief was limited.

The vet thought that there might be something wrong with the liver, but no test could pinpoint a single thing, even after multiple tests and ultrasounds. It didn’t seem like that was it, so I felt it wasn’t right to be more invasive.

So we learned to go with only one medication (tramadol) and hope that he could tolerate and get relief with that for a while, and depend on a few lifestyle adjustments to help.

There were a few accidents — poop at first, but then pee as well — in the house. Then there were lots of accidents. Then it was to the point where it was a huge deal if he DIDN’T go in the house. All of this was seemingly related to the arthritis. I mean, if it hurts to move, why get up and walk all the way out there and go when you can just let loose where you are?

All these accidents mean I get up 3-5 times every night with Trooper. I have to wash his bedding immediately — as one person put it, his pee accidents are like upending a tea kettle. I come home from work and have to wash everything all over again, and usually the kitchen floor too (I’ve long since stopped allowing him roam free like before). Most days I do 4 loads of laundry that is just Trooper’s things. So I do laundry at 3 am. I do laundry at 6pm. And all the while I hope that maybe tomorrow will be better.

Urinary tract infections were suspected, and were once confirmed, which led to thinking maybe Cushing’s was a possibility (something that had been considered in the past, even before the arthritis). Problem was, he didn’t have the usual symptoms of a Cushing’s dog, and lab tests didn’t support that diagnosis.

Then he started doing weird things in his sleep, and after talking to the vet, it seemed like he must be having seizures. Neurological issues on top of the liver enzyme and joint problems. Not good.

Again, more bloodwork, tests, vet visits… nothing conclusive, except he obviously had arthritis. It seemed like something else must be going on, but symptoms and tests didn’t point to anything specific. Could be cancer, parasitic infections, other diseases — but tests and other exams don’t seem to indicate any of those things.

Meanwhile, this happy dog stopped playing, wanting to go out, wanting to interact with me. He paced around the house — was this a stress thing, or response to pain? — and just was not himself. I would think things are going well, he’s having a good day or week, and then something would demonstrate to me just how bad and not-normal things were.

I would see other dogs — older dogs — run around and think, Trooper acts ancient. This is just not right.

Trooper walks slow and has trouble turning. He doesn’t go up in the yard – that’s too much uphill for him, I think. When he stands still, his back end slowly sinks down, sometimes to the point where he ends up sitting, but not intentionally. He’ll even creep further down until he’s flat, and then doesn’t get up because he can’t. Even on ‘good’ days, he often slides all over the place trying to get up.

He turns away from food. I can’t begin to tell you how unlike him that is. Trooper started losing weight — going from his stable, vet-approved healthy weight of 120-125 lbs in June/July to 95 lbs as of yesterday. He looks skinny and sick to me.

I added canned food to help entice him to eat. I mixed it all with beef stock, fresh rotisserie chicken — anything that I thought might help. I gave him his meds in cream cheese. I did everything I could think of to stimulate him to eat. It would help for a few days, but then he would go back to leaving food in his bowl for hours, if not all day.

During all this time, we were back and forth at the vets, sometimes going every other week. I talked at length with the main vet following his case. The vet had personal experience with an arthritic dog, so I talked to him about everything — medication options, mobility assistance, quality of life.

Trooper’s quality of life became a central theme, and talking about it made me realize just how bad things were on a daily basis for him. He’s obviously not getting relief from all his pain. He pees and poops all over himself, even if I’m right here. He’s not eating. He’s not happy. He’s depressed. I’m stressed about it all, and feel constantly guilty. I think I’ve also been in denial.

Yesterday was just the latest trip to the vets. The last week or so, Trooper has been drinking lots of water — and having even more accidents because of it. I thought it might be yet another urinary tract infection.

As I got to the vets, I was a few minutes early before they opened, and another person was waiting. Her 7 month old chocolate lab was there to get fixed. That dog was all friendly and playful, barked at Trooper, and sniffed him. Trooper — sweet, settled, sedate, submissive Trooper — snapped at him.

I realized then that I could no longer deny how things were. Trooper wasn’t having good days. Trooper wasn’t himself. Trooper was in pain, and everything I was doing was not helping.

I spoke with the vet later that morning. He asked if I was sure Trooper was only 7 years old, because if he didn’t know the history, the vet would have put him at 10-12 years old by how he looked right now. We talked a great deal — I told him all about waking up in the night, the accidents, everything.

Without prompting, the vet said if it were his dog (and remember, he’s gone through this himself), he would be considering putting him to sleep.

I think I had already reached that decision myself, but had been afraid to acknowledge it.

That was 24 hours ago. Right now, I’m sitting outside, it’s a beautiful fall day, Mac the kitty is curled up at my feet, and Trooper is no where to be seen. He had been slowing walking around about 15 minutes ago, but showed no interest in exploring the yard, sniffing anything, or going after the tennis ball I bounced around the patio. He didn’t even look at when I threw it in the yard.

Trooper is inside, laying on the floor, uninterested in anything.

I think it’s time to say goodbye.

This current life of disinterest and discomfort (or outright pain) is not what I want for him. And, I think that if he could talk, he would say he wouldn’t want to continue like this. And if this did continue, it could be short, but more likely would drag out for a long time. I can’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be right.

But it is sooooooo hard to consider putting him to sleep. Yet I can’t imagine that his life as it is worth prolonging. I wish he would give me a sign.

I wish he would have never reached this point.

Am I doing the right thing? I hope so.

Will it happen soon? Probably in the next week. I need a few days to come to terms with my decision, and to say goodbye.

Sesame Street Is 40

Yesterday, Google had Big Bird as part of its logo. Today, it’s Cookie Monster – my personal favorite.

I grew up watching Sesame Street (although happily I can say I was a few years away from seeing it from the beginning). I watched it again when I was home sick on day recently. My knowledge of Spanish is based on things learned from that show (and love of Mexican cuisine).

I know of very few people who cannot say that Sesame Street was an integral part of their childhood.

V

So I’m all set to watch V (the second time around – yeah, I’m that old), turn on the local ABC station, and see something about the Titans instead of aliens.

Seems that Tuesdays at 7 Central is the Titans recap show with Jeff Fisher, and not the regularly scheduled programming you’d expect. Oh, but V will be shown later tonight – 12:05am, to be exact. Yeah, that’s convenient.

Hopefully I’ll be able to watch it online after tonight, because it looks like there’s no chance seeing it on tv first run unless I’m up late, which is not going to happen.

Grrr.